On the bound

I knew i'd come back to this at some point within the year. 10 months in, and i'm true to my word. Every day something happens that makes me want to write; often times though, the problem with creating something is that nobody cares but you. Knowing full well how self-indulgent this is, i've decided to give in and let it happen. It feels good.

Like I said to my dear friend Bill last night: When people refuse to allow others to tag them on facebook, the desired effect of remaining aloof and grounded does not at all occur- au contraire, you seem egocentric and stuck up. What kind of arrogant fuck are you? Who are you hiding from? Confess: you would very much enjoy emblazoning the internet with zillions of photos of yourself. Something to compliment the concept of cyber-self you have carefully been constructing since late 2004. We all do. I truly believe that. It's human. Who wants to leave this world without leaving a mark? The internet makes it all too easy; that being a problem in and of itself that we'll get into some other time, perhaps.

I say, if you want to post shit online, have at it. Even if you're hiding behind the facade that is your profile pic, whatever it conveys, your desire to inconspicuously (but not too inconspicuously) sneak around the internet makes you real. The world needs more of that. I didn't always feel this way, but this is where I'm at. I don't care who you are, I want you to put everything out there. Even if I don't want to know.

So anyway, justification-diatribe aside, I'm back. Self-deprecation has always suited me well. In fact, it's a little secret weapon I picked up sometime in high school and really has yet to fail me. My students admire it.

I cannot muster up the creative energy to dive into convoluted depths of my life since the last time i posted. Allow me to debrief you:

I moved to New Orleans. I work on the bayou. I teach high school. I live with my cat and my boyfriendl. I miss my friends and family around the country but I'm happy.

On to today's teaching story: A student got up today to ask to call home. As I'm writing her a hall pass, she passed out and fell down backward onto the floor. Total moment all we n00b teachers envision happening: I leapt over my desk to her rescue, performed chest compressions and successfully revived her within seconds, all while maintaining the academic focus of my other students and continuing to enter grades on powerschool.

Nah. Everything was fine, but I felt so bad for her. She was so disoriented at first, and then she seemed so embarrassed. She rubbed her eyes with her hands the way I sometimes do upon waking up at 7 am on a rough Saturday morning- reality comes in with the sunlight and then you just want to hide. Get me out of here. I did what i could to comfort her- she was fine physically but i felt worse for her little ego. More fragile than a skull at that age.

On to last week's teaching story:
One of my students said he tries to be a good Christian but he thinks he's too smart. He can't stop thinking about things. He can't stop wondering, what if it's all fake? My response: Never stop thinking.

I want to get into the details of how I feel about being who I am, teaching where I am. My job is not to preach nor indoctrinate my students, simply to urge them to use their heads, and hearts. Still, my chosen profession undoubtedly has roots which grow into political waters. I really don't label myself but I know who I am and how I feel...I do what I can to conceal it where I need to and do very little to conceal it when i need, and should, not. My students don't know what they don't need to, but they know I'm different and I feel quite good about that.

As I told my brother last weekend when he asked what I do in those "teachable" moments (they are unavoidable when you talk with teenagers about the Government for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week) I told him the truth- I pause, look pensive, look 'em in the eye, and say "...think about that." And because they are truly wonderful human beings, they do.

In unrelated news, my cat is half feral and I wouldn't want her any other way.